An unmerry zombie Christmas

I want what all zombies want for Christmas. Peace. Love. Not getting shot in the head by rifle-wielding haters of the undead.

I came across an item on the Internet that reminded me not only of this nation’s rising anti-zombie mood, but that tools and weapons for fending off the undead are now appropriate Christmas gifts.

Larson Electronics is offering supplies to help people survive the zombie apocalypse (right now I have no plans to start one, but that’s not the point). Included in this kit is a spotlight capable of beaming 5,000 feet so you can spot an advancing zombie horde in plenty of time.

If I plan to visit you, I promise I won’t drop in unannounced. I’ll email at the very least, but most likely will call or text. And when I do come by, it will be some morning or afternoon when I don’t have school. My mom doesn’t like me being outside much past sundown.

Larson also includes a solar-powered LED beacon so you can let other survivors know your position. Such a device can only lead to a very awkward conversation:

Me – “Bob, what’s with the beacon?”

Bob – “Uh, you know, not much. Just alerting people I’m alive. And that maybe they should rescue me.”

Me — “You could’ve just done what other people do. Maybe just yawn, tell me how late it’s getting, and head home.”

Bob – “I guess, but I didn’t want to offend you or anything.”

Me – “Good night, Bob.”

Bob – “Lunch tomorrow?”

Me – “Probably not.”

Beacons are the height of rude behavior. Then there is the universal handcuff key, designed to get out of situations presented by other members of the living. I guess if folks are convinced there is a zombie apocalypse, one of the first things they start doing is handcuffing friends, neighbors, or whoever might get in the way.

Breathers are so odd that way.


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