My so-called undead life

Hi, I’m Jed Rivers. You may know me from such Pine Hollow Middle School situations as  “Kid Upside Down in a Trash Can,” or “Kid Stuffed in a Locker.” Which is fine, unless all you know about me is as being the favorite medium used in the more popular works of bully/artist Robbie.

That’s why I’m starting this blog. Some recognize me as a victim, the centerpiece of Robbie’s desperate attempts to mask his insecurities (at least if you were to believe various experts and therapists). Others may know me for my resiliency, going on despite pulled ligaments, torn tendons and severed limbs.

But most probably know me as the undead kid. And that’s all you know.

There is so much more to me. For example, did you know I am a very in-demand volunteer at the care home because I am the only 13-year-old who can’t actually be bored to death by old people’s stories? Or that I can no longer attend magic shows because every time magicians ask for volunteers for the cut-someone-in-half trick, they look right at me with a sparkle in their eyes?

I also want to use this blog to clear up the misconceptions about a zombie’s nature, since all you probably know about the undead comes from one highly misinformed source (I’m looking at you, Hollywood).

Let’s start with the most pervasive myth – zombies consider human brains to be the base of their food pyramid.

This is highly improbable. First, brains look about as appetizing as cauliflower. Second, with a Spam-like texture (I’m assuming), even the brain-dead would find brains unappetizing. Lastly, brains are surrounded by a material so dense, just getting to them is terribly inconvenient. Imagine if a Mounds bar contained not shredded coconut, but was a chocolate-dipped coconut. (Note to self: Next Halloween, dip coconuts in chocolate. Take that, little candy freeloaders.)

As I continue to blog, I’ll share other undead-related tips, stories and updates. I hope you come away with a more well-rounded look at zombies or, as I like to say, the cardiovascularly challenged.

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